This battle among women gets hotter when a man decides to bring another woman home to become his flesh and body. A man is first his mother’s son and as it is said, no matter your age, you remain a child to your mother. Some mothers find it difficult to accept the fact that their son or daughter has grown and should be allowed some independence.
I have taken time to critically look at this issue because of the problems women are having in their relationships? Why is it that our men don’t have this same issue with their mothers-in-law? I have also wondered why fathers-in-law don’t always have issues with either the son or daughter -in-law. Isn’t this the same case of women being their own enemies? I had this as a post on my Facebook wall sometime ago and from the reactions, I could see that this is a very big problem that may need a very long time to be sorted out. As you know...
my Tuesday column is strictly for women while Friday is for men. I have noticed that when guys read Tuesday articles they are very happy and always bombard me with beautiful text messages. The same happens when ladies read the Friday column; I get wonderful messages from ladies as against the stones thrown at me when it doesn’t suit them. It will not always go the way we want it; that is life.
I will start with daughters-in-law. I believe every woman was, is, and would be a daughter-in-law. The mothers-in-law were sometime daughters-in-law and daughters-in-law will someday become mothers-in-law. This is life;what goes around, comes around. When you understand that life is “turn by turn” as the musicians said it, you will be careful how you go through it.
I know how difficult and frustrating it could be when you try and do all you can to make someone happy only for the person to keep on returning evil for good. In fact, it will take the spirit of God, an exceptional one for you to go on in your good deeds. A lot of good women and wives have been pushed to the point where they eventually become, like one of my friends says, 'worse than hurricane Katrina'. I know there are women who are from very good homes with godly upbringing, but they became different people after marriage due to blows received from life and in-laws.
There are also women who are from very bad homes with no good upbringing and training received from the mother. This is why it is always advisable to check out the family and upbringing of the woman or man you want to go into marriage with. If the mother maltreats the father and other people around her, there is every tendency that your wife will have issues with your mother and siblings. But there are also some girls from very good homes and with very godly upbringing, but from mixing up with peers, have cultivated some attitudes and mentality that are completely opposite of what they were brought up to know.
I have heard girls say they don’t want to get married to a man whose mother is still alive. I know this statement could have been made out of fear and anxiety. I know some girls say things like this after experiencing what their mother or sister went through in marriage. But I also don’t think it is a good enough reason for anyone to wish another dead. If you are someone with this kind of heart, it says one thing - you are not in love with the man because if you are, you won’t pray for anything that can cause him pain.
Some women, even before getting into marriage, have this phobia for mothers-in-law. This is what makes a girl start fighting every one related to the man the moment she enters his house. Some of these mothers-in-law battles are actually ignited by daughters-in-law. Because of the mindset you carried into the marriage, you are careful not to be turned to a piece of rag by anybody.
Written by: AMARA ...to be continued.
For once I decided to comment inside the article itself, rather than on African Outlook. You are right in all of your observations. But the problems we also have to look into is the fact that some men refuse to cling to their wives after marriage because they are still clinging to their mothers. Their mothers almost always have impact on the decision making process of the son in his own marriage. This ought not to be so. The Bible says the man will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. That does not mean that the wife will now make this "Me and my husband issue." No. That's not what I'm saying at all. Just like you stated above, both sides have to check the family backgrounds to see if the marriage is worth diving into. I know many women who's in-laws are their allies in the marriage. I also know some that the mother-in-law in particular is like the second wife in the house. There are some issues that are particularly bothersome to me in our culture. When a mother-law comes to visit, the couple should NEVER vacate their matrimonial bed to her. Rather they should prepare the guest room for her. A marital bed is a marital bed. It should not be messed with by anyone else. The daughter-in-law must reverence her mother-in-law. She must show respect and love for her. And the mother-in-law must reciprocate. Bottom line is, the couple must enjoy their marriage without inlaws from either side interferring.
ReplyDeleteI used to have issues with my mother-in-law even before i married her son because she loves attention and i dont know how to give her. We used to quarrel about this a lot before and at the beginning of the marriage but we no longer do so. We have come to accept each other. I have learnt to call her once in a while and even visit when I can; she has learnt to accept me the way I am...I think the issue is just acceptance. I try not to involve my husband when i have issues with her except when necessary and that has helped. Whether she likes it or not, I am now her daughter and whether I like it or not she is now my mother so we just have to live with each other...and may I also mention that she cooks really well (mehn that woman knows how to cook)...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletemay God help us men especially those of us that are the only child.. The girl is already intimidated before marriage, the mother is also intimidated before marriage.. I told my Fiancee that she is not in competition with my mother cos my mother will always be my mother, and she will always be my lovely wife.. She has learnt to accept her early, even my mum has learnt to accept her cos i made it clear that nobody can choose a wife for me.
ReplyDelete